How to Go “No-Contact,” And Is Cutting Family Off Really the Best Option?

Going no-contact is becoming increasingly trendy. What is it, and is cutting oneself off from family really the best option? Periods of purposeful family estrangement should be entered into carefully, and only after considering and exhausting all other options.

No-contact is a loaded term, but really one that means just what it says: no-contact. Going no-contact means cutting off all communications and interactions with family (Chapman, 2023). This means no calls, texts, social media, meetings in person, or anything of the kind (Davis, 2023). This step is a decisive one, usually taken to prevent further maltreatment from a family member. Some individuals make a decision to go no-contact forever. For others, it may be a limited time decision. The decision is a serious one, however.

Initiating a period of no-contact is usually done as a last resort, after exhausting all other options. These options may include, but are not limited to setting boundaries, limiting contact, and/or family therapy (Davis, 2023; Fluker, 2024). Cutting off family is an ultimate boundary: telling the family member that one will no longer engage in any form whatsoever. This decision can carry with it a lot of grief. It can also cause decision fatigue, for example, when the holidays arrive and/or someone gets married or dies (Chapman, 2023). Is a person willing to hold the no-contact rule, even it means foregoing opportunities to celebrate and/or grieve? Individuals should self-reflect and do their own internal work before setting a non-contact rule (Fluker). Even then, the person may benefit from building a new community of support to help hold them up in difficult times. Families, as imperfect as they are, typically service some kind of purpose for a person, and when cutting them off, a void is left.

What options remain for individuals struggling with their families, but not willing to cut them off and go no-contact? Many! Individuals can set and reinforce boundaries (Davis, 2023; Fluker, 2024). Individuals create distance so as to experience negative effects of family relationships less (Chapman, 2023; Vincenty, 2023). Individuals may wish to go to therapy to strengthen their own reserves and resources. Families might decide to pursue therapy as a unit to see if there are any ways to repair their relationships. In cases of physical or emotional abuse, however, this may not be recommended (Connell, n.d.). Another option is to allow contact, but not respond beyond a surface level. Laura Connell calls this “the gray rock” method. It avoids giving family members information with which to potentially create more injury. If nothing works, no contact may be a last resort.

How many people in the United States are estranged from their families, that is, in the no-contact zone? According to Karl Pillemer’s study of over 1,300 people, 27% of adults (over 18) were estranged (Dean, 2020). Of these people, 10% reported child estrangement, 8% sibling estrangement, and 9% extended family estrangement. If that percentage is true for the population at large, that could extrapolate at least 67 million in total. A 2022 survey of 11,000 Americans reported an even higher rate (29%) of estrangement (Orth). In short, there is no shortage of family estrangements. In some cases, though, repair is possible. Pillemer found that among the reconciled, the most important component was dropping the need for relatives to accept one another’s versions of the past. Instead, a focus on the present and future allowed for some manner of ongoing engagement. This engagement might not be completely pleasant but may be more passable than the grief and guilt of no-contact.

When is no-contact the best option? Really only the individual can decide that. Support from a qualified therapist might help. Therapy might also help individuals explore other options for dealing with difficult family members, perhaps ones less costly than family estrangement. Family therapy might be able to help process thoughts and feelings and lead to some manner of reconciliation. Wouldn’t that be something? What if the number of family estrangements reduced? What could that do for society? If family is the backbone of society, what might this do for the United States, for the world? Only those who work through family estrangement and cutoff will find out!