Confabulation in Kids: When It Looks Like Lying but Isn’t

Lying is one of the most common behaviors that drives parents crazy. Being lied to can bring up past times you’ve been hurt by someone lying to you, it can make you concerned for your child’s future, and it can be very confusing when the truth seems so obvious!

But what if your kiddo doesn’t even realize they are not telling the truth? Yes, it’s truly possible that your child believes what they are telling you is the truth, and they can’t understand why you think they are lying. This form of lying is called confabulation. Confabulation is a memory error, where the brain creates false memories. Because the error is in the memory, the child will be confident they are telling the truth, even if it’s 100% contradictory to what occurred, or even unrealistic. It can sound like this:

“Remember honey, tomorrow when we go to baseball practice, we will drive by McDonald’s, but this week we are NOT stopping for food. We will just drive by and keep going to baseball practice.”

The next day…

“MCDONALD’S!! I want a Happy Meal! MOOOOOM! You said we would stop at McDonald’s on the way to practice!!”

“No, I said we were NOT stopping.”

“NO! You said we were going to stop for food before practice!!”

Why does confabulation occur? It’s more common in people with brain injuries including aneurysms, some forms of dementia, fetal alcohol exposure, or some mental health disorders such as bipolar disorder. Confabulation can also occur in forensic contexts when eyewitnesses feel pressured to recall more information than they can remember (APA). In other words, our kids with more vulnerable brains and nervous systems are at higher risk of experiencing these memory errors.

As parents, we can take a few steps to reduce the likelihood of our children confabulating. First, avoid confrontation and leading questions. Challenging inaccurate information will not convince your child’s brain that it made an error, but it could fuel their dysregulation! Acknowledge the emotions, empathize with them about misunderstanding when appropriate, and try to move forward, accepting that there was an error out of your child’s control.

Second, avoid sensory overload and reduce stress for the child. Increased stress or pressure may cause the brain to make more memory or processing errors. Overloading the nervous system can also push an already vulnerable system into chaos and lead to more confabulation.

Third, allow more processing time, check for understanding, and use developmentally appropriate language. Understanding that your child’s brain is working differently can help you adjust and reduce the frequency of confabulation. Meet your child’s brain where it is at, and you may find it short circuits a little less often.

Fourth, be mindful to use clear, specific language. Avoiding negative words including “not,” “don’t,” “won’t,” and “can’t,” can prevent misunderstandings or confusion for the child as their brain processes the full sentence.

Most importantly, remember that your child is not trying to be malicious or make you feel crazy. And while the information is not truthful, the emotions associated with the belief likely are genuine. Your child may be incredibly disappointed that they aren’t getting McDonald’s on the way to baseball or angry at you that the plan (they believe) changed. Take a deep breath, connect about how much they were wanting the chicken nuggets, and sigh with relief that you have not created a liar.