“He fights me like I am the enemy,” the caregiver reports. “Why does she run away when I try to give her a hug?” another caregiver asks. “Why does he yell at me when I calmly redirect him?” says a caregiver. “Our kids are safe,” the caregivers chorus. “So why in the world do they act like they aren’t?” Because they don’t feel safe. Felt safety is different than physical safety. Caregivers can do everything in their power to make their children physically safe, and the children may still not feel safe. This may have more to do with the children’s past experiences and inner life than it has to do with the caregivers. The good news is that caregivers have opportunities to increase felt safety, even if it is lacking now.
Felt safety is a subjective, rather than objective experience. Feelings of fear lead to a lack of “felt safety” (Bunn, 2021). For children from hard places, or with neurodivergence, fear can be an ever-present companion. The brain scans for safety four times a second, and for children from hard places, the brain may perceive danger where danger is not (Gobbel, 2020). This is because the brain blends past experiences with the now, meaning children may interpret stimuli as unsafe, even if that is logically not the case. For example, children who received abuse or neglect from a primary caregiver may perceive all primary caregivers as unsafe, even if a new caregiver is objectively safe. Similarly, neurodivergent individuals may perceive environmental stimuli as unsafe, even if, objectively, that stimuli is neutral (Gannon, 2023). For example, uncomfortable clothing may push an individual into fight/flight/freeze behaviors, even though the clothing itself poses no threat to safety. Without felt safety, children have trouble accessing their higher level thinking and best functioning. This can contribute to behaviors that do not look like they make sense.
What can caregivers do to increase the felt safety of their children? First, they can remember that felt safety is ultimately an emotional experience, not a physical one (Herron, 2021). This frees caregivers to take behaviors and words at face value, rather than personally (Gobbel, 2023). Caregivers can look more objectively at the fear responses of their children and consider what might help those children feel safer. That may look like naming the fear, listening to it, and showing love to children experiencing it (Luttrull, 2022). It may look like increasing co-regulation and presence, and in some cases, decreasing demands (Diekman, 2024). It will require attunement, response, validation, education, and advocacy. Ultimately, increasing felt safety may be a long, scaffolded process to help reframe and reinterpret triggers and teach the brain new responses (Gobbel, 2025). The brain is neuroplastic, so this is possible (Cleveland Health Clinic, 2023). It just takes time and effort.
In summary, being safe is not the same as feeling safe. Kids from hard places, and/or who have neurodevelopmental differences may not feel safe, even if they are safe. Caregivers who understand this can benefit from learning to attune to the safety cues of their children and working to increase them. Is this easy? No, but it is a path to healing. Children hurt in relationships, and children heal in relationships. That goes for felt safety, too.
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