In our last blog, we looked at an overview of the analogy between building a house and our marriage using Jesus’ parable of the Wise & Foolish Man in Matthew 7:24-27 as our point of reference. We identified that the two most critical elements of a home are the soil and the foundation; the two elements that keep a house standing strong. In that analogy, we identified the soil of our marriage as representing the part of us that we bring into the marriage. In this blog, let’s “dig” into that soil a bit more so that we can explore its content.
When it comes to soil there are all types; the more common being clay, sand, and rock. Clay would be on the less desirable side, rock on the more desirable side, and sand (oddly enough when you consider the parable) being in the mid-range of desirability for building a foundation on. Early in the design process, we would have a soils engineer take samples of the project site and provide us with a report on what type of soil we were dealing with and give us recommendations on steps we could take to mitigate the fact that we might be building on bad soil.
When building on good soil, there was very little that needed to be done to the foundation because the soil could bear considerable weight, where moderate soils like silt and sand would require a little more work. Even bad soil like clay that expands when it gets wet and then contracts when it dries, creating unstable ground for a foundation to rest on, can still bear a solid foundation if the owner is willing to put in the effort (and the money) to make it work. In some instances, it may be possible to remove several feet of bad soil and replace it with good, although often, building on bad soil requires digging deep into the earth to find either good soil or solid rock to be able to anchor the foundation to and give it strength.
So, how do we identify what type of soil we are building the foundation of our marriage on – that part of us we are bringing into the relationship? When we join together as husband and wife, we bring with us everything from our past – our childhood, how we were raised by our parents, our friendships, our previous relationships – all of them come with us either consciously or subconsciously affecting our type of soil. One of the big indicators is how we deal with conflict.
For some, they are secure in their relationship attachments and conflict is not seen as something to dread, but rather as an opportunity to grow in their relationship and learn from each other. For so many others who have developed insecure attachments, conflict is an evil word and many attempt to run from it. The ability or inability to handle conflict is a direct result of how conflict was dealt with in the past. However, the past does not have to be the determining factor of your future; you have the ability to choose to learn how to manage the conflict and stressors of life and marriage. What I want you to hear at this point is that a solid foundation can be built regardless of the type of soil being built upon, you just have to put in the effort!
Understand your past and how it informs you about your present self, but do not allow the past to define who you want to become. If, by doing this, you identify unstable soil, seek help so that you can learn how to move forward in healthy ways rather than remaining stuck in old ways of coping with the triggers of conflict and stress.
How we cope is another indicator of the type of soil we are bringing to the relationship. Are there things that you automatically turn to when conflict and stress arise? The list of unhealthy coping mechanisms is long but here are a few: shopping, eating, depression, emotional breakdown, alcohol, pornography, isolation, anger, and rage. Coping mechanisms, healthy or unhealthy, serve a purpose. I deliberately used “healthy” and “unhealthy” to describe coping mechanisms rather than “good” or “bad” because even unhealthy ways of coping serve a “good” purpose when they are needed – they help us to deal with difficult situations the best way we know how at the time. If we identify that we are currently using unhealthy means of coping, we can seek help for this as well to break the automatic response system that we currently have in place and replace them with healthy coping mechanisms.
Our style of attachment in relationships and how we cope with conflict and stress in marriage are all important factors in the soil we are building our foundation on, and areas that all of us can improve on in one way or another. If you find yourself beginning to see areas in need of work, Arizona Family Counseling would like to help. We have a team of counselors ready to assist you regardless of the soil you bring. Our website is www.arizonafamilycounseling.com or you can reach us by phone at (877) 847-6104. Our greatest desire is to serve God by serving you, and in serving you as you engage in your construction project, we can meet our mission of strengthening families in the name of Jesus Christ.
In our last blog, we looked at an overview of the analogy between building a house and our marriage using Jesus’ parable of the Wise & Foolish Man in Matthew 7:24-27 as our point of reference. We identified that the two most critical elements of a home are the soil and the foundation; the two elements that keep a house standing strong. In that analogy, we identified the soil of our marriage as representing the part of us that we bring into the marriage. In this blog, let’s “dig” into that soil a bit more so that we can explore its content.
When it comes to soil there are all types; the more common being clay, sand, and rock. Clay would be on the less desirable side, rock on the more desirable side, and sand (oddly enough when you consider the parable) being in the mid-range of desirability for building a foundation on. Early in the design process, we would have a soils engineer take samples of the project site and provide us with a report on what type of soil we were dealing with and give us recommendations on steps we could take to mitigate the fact that we might be building on bad soil.
When building on good soil, there was very little that needed to be done to the foundation because the soil could bear considerable weight, where moderate soils like silt and sand would require a little more work. Even bad soil like clay that expands when it gets wet and then contracts when it dries, creating unstable ground for a foundation to rest on, can still bear a solid foundation if the owner is willing to put in the effort (and the money) to make it work. In some instances, it may be possible to remove several feet of bad soil and replace it with good, although often, building on bad soil requires digging deep into the earth to find either good soil or solid rock to be able to anchor the foundation to and give it strength.
So, how do we identify what type of soil we are building the foundation of our marriage on – that part of us we are bringing into the relationship? When we join together as husband and wife, we bring with us everything from our past – our childhood, how we were raised by our parents, our friendships, our previous relationships – all of them come with us either consciously or subconsciously affecting our type of soil. One of the big indicators is how we deal with conflict.
For some, they are secure in their relationship attachments and conflict is not seen as something to dread, but rather as an opportunity to grow in their relationship and learn from each other. For so many others who have developed insecure attachments, conflict is an evil word and many attempt to run from it. The ability or inability to handle conflict is a direct result of how conflict was dealt with in the past. However, the past does not have to be the determining factor of your future; you have the ability to choose to learn how to manage the conflict and stressors of life and marriage. What I want you to hear at this point is that a solid foundation can be built regardless of the type of soil being built upon, you just have to put in the effort!
Understand your past and how it informs you about your present self, but do not allow the past to define who you want to become. If, by doing this, you identify unstable soil, seek help so that you can learn how to move forward in healthy ways rather than remaining stuck in old ways of coping with the triggers of conflict and stress.
How we cope is another indicator of the type of soil we are bringing to the relationship. Are there things that you automatically turn to when conflict and stress arise? The list of unhealthy coping mechanisms is long but here are a few: shopping, eating, depression, emotional breakdown, alcohol, pornography, isolation, anger, and rage. Coping mechanisms, healthy or unhealthy, serve a purpose. I deliberately used “healthy” and “unhealthy” to describe coping mechanisms rather than “good” or “bad” because even unhealthy ways of coping serve a “good” purpose when they are needed – they help us to deal with difficult situations the best way we know how at the time. If we identify that we are currently using unhealthy means of coping, we can seek help for this as well to break the automatic response system that we currently have in place and replace them with healthy coping mechanisms.
Our style of attachment in relationships and how we cope with conflict and stress in marriage are all important factors in the soil we are building our foundation on, and areas that all of us can improve on in one way or another. If you find yourself beginning to see areas in need of work, Arizona Family Counseling would like to help. We have a team of counselors ready to assist you regardless of the soil you bring. Our website is www.arizonafamilycounseling.com or you can reach us by phone at (877) 847-6104. Our greatest desire is to serve God by serving you, and in serving you as you engage in your construction project, we can meet our mission of strengthening families in the name of Jesus Christ.
EN 
ES