Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is a common diagnosis for kids and adults, and growing in numbers by the day. ADHD is a complex, multi-faced diagnosis, however; even the idea of it is somewhat abstract. This can make explaining ADHD to kids difficult, and do parents even want to explain this diagnosis to kids? Or is there some kind of “age of accountability” that states when parents should talk to kids? Most experts argue that a scaffolded approach to discussing ADHD with kids is best.
Just how common is ADHD? Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder is the most diagnosed mental health disorder in children. It affects about 9% of youths under age 17 (Meridian Healthcare, 2023). ADHD, or at least ADHD-like symptoms of inattention and hyperactivity, is more common in kids from hard places, too. Kids who have experienced trauma have up to a 17% higher chance of receiving ADHD diagnoses (PTSD UK, n.d.). What does this mean? That parents increasingly need to be equipped to discuss this condition with their children.
How should parents address ADHD? Time and place matters a lot to kids with ADHD. With their inattentiveness, it can be hard to focus on important discussions, such as ones about having ADHD. This makes considering time and place for discussing the diagnosis important (Mid-Kansas Pediatrics, P.A., n.d.). Try to find a quiet time where there are minimal distractions, so that a child has the best chance to focus. Parent attitude makes a difference as well. Parents who educate themselves about ADHD and work on accepting the diagnosis for their child before discussing it with the child have the best chance of remaining regulated (ADHD Weekly, 2017). Regulated delivery of information about ADHD from parents gives kids the best chance of absorbing it.
One of the reasons experts argue for telling kids about their ADHD early on is to reduce shame. How does disclosure of ADHD reduce shame? Keeping the diagnosis a secret can imply that the diagnosis is embarrassing, or that it is too much for the child to handle (ADHD Weekly, 2017). Telling the child about the diagnosis helps him or her begin to understand the brain and how it works. In the conversation about ADHD, parents can also include information about helps and supports for coping with ADHD, such as medication, learning new skills, and reaching out to caring adults (such as parents) (Explaining Brains, n.d.). Having a brain that thinks differently is not all bad, either.
Part of scaffolding the discussion about ADHD can include starting with strengths. Regular praise can help build relationships in the family, not just for kids with ADHD, but for everyone (Gobbel, 2021). If parents already have a habit of providing praise and encouragement to their children, they can lead the discussion about ADHD with the positives they see about their child’s brain. Parents may point out that their child has lots of good ideas, or the ability to hyperfocus on topics of interest (ADHD Foundation, 2022; ADHD Weekly, 2017). Parents may want to normalize ADHD by talking about famous (and successful!) people who have ADHD (Hatfield, 2021). This can help children integrate an ADHD diagnosis rather than becoming it.
It is important to help children understand that ADHD is just a part of them, not all of them. ADHD is a medical diagnosis, not a personality (ADHD Weekly, 2017). ADHD is not good or bad. It just is. Medication, therefore, is not to treat a “bad” part of the child, but rather a tool that helps a child get the best out of his or her brain (Explaining Brains, n.d.). Part of educating children about the ADHD diagnosis is preparing the children to advocate for their own needs as they grow older. Seeing ADHD as part of them, not all of them, can help in this process.
ADHD is not an identity. It is not an excuse for bad behavior, either (ADHD Weekly, 2017). It is helpful to explain to kids that they may or might not want to talk with others about their diagnosis, as others may or may not understand. ADHD can just be a discussion between family and doctors, if families choose it. Parents can also scaffold conversations to help children explain how ADHD contributes to struggles, so that children know how to ask for help with those struggles (Intermountain Healthcare, 2022). To what extent parents explain all the facets of ADHD depends on the developmental age and stage of the child (which may differ from chronological age), but again, this can be scaffolded.
Conclusion. In summary, there is no one best way to talk to children about ADHD. Rather, there are best ways, and those are honestly, positively, incrementally, and in ways that honor the developmental age and stage of the child. ADHD may be common, but each child is different. Children need their parents, more than anything, to talk to them in ways that honor their individuality and value them as the special, unique creations that they are.
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