Many parents, caregivers, bosses, coaches, teachers, and people in positions of authority desire “compliance” from those who are under their care or their charge. There is an appropriate time, place, and need for compliance. For example, when a caregiver or parent gives instruction which is related to the immediate safety of the child, such as, “get out of the street,” or “move away from the stove.” As adults, we know that a certain level of general compliance in life is integral to our level of functioning and wellbeing on both an individual and societal level – especially in regard to school-work, being on sports teams, work/vocational environments, rules of traffic, and other laws in general. For all of us, we sometimes have to do things (be compliant and follow directions) even when we don’t want to; if we don’t, there are consequences of some sort. However, separate from “compliance,” there is also a high importance and strong need for “guidance,” which is different than compliance. “Guidance” will be the point addressed in the following paragraphs.
One of my supervisors introduced me to the concept of, and the phrase of, “Guidance over Compliance.” What this means, specifically in the therapeutic context of working to form and create a secure attachment style for a child with a caregiver, is that in order to do so, certain components of attachment, such as a sense of felt-safety and felt-trust, need further installation before certain undesirable behavioral expressions and patterns – such as defiance and opposition – will decrease in a healthy way.
Many parents experience feelings of irritation, frustration, disrespect, and anger when their child does not obey or when the child talks back. The parent receives this as a willful and deliberate attack on their authority. When this happens, it can be helpful to take a step back, to pause, and to ask, “Do I want a compliant child, or do I want a securely attached child?” Most parents will say, “I want both.”
However, it is possible and not uncommon, to have a compliant child who has a desired behavioral presentation, but who has an insecure or disorganized attachment with the parent. What it means for the child to have an insecure or disorganized attachment is that the child, in his or her core sense of self, has a difficult time trusting or feeling safe with that parent. When this is the case, the child often will learn which outward responses are needed to appease their parent, and therefore avoid being yelled at or punished – which are things people in general do not enjoy. These children learn and adapt to methods and responses which will help them to get through life’s struggles with as little openness and vulnerability as possible. They learn that being open and vulnerable is correlated to being hurt (not understood or listened to), silenced, and shamed. These children might give their parent the behavior that is wanted, but the behaviors might be separate from their hearts or affections.
When these children are compliant, the compliance will look nice, but if it is absent of a secure attachment, then the relationship is in jeopardy, especially as the child approaches adolescence and adulthood. Once the parent is no longer the legal guardian or authority figure, the child might leave at the first chance he or she gets (freedom to escape), or the child might begin to rebel. At this point, the child (now a young adult) might not desire to maintain the same level of relationship as would be desired by the parents or guardians.
Parents in this situation often are confused and wondering, “what happened?” or, “where did this come from?” Commonly, it is the case that over time, the child developed the tendency to shut down, space out, and dissociate in the midst of being compliant and obedient. They learned to disconnect their heart and affections from their obedience. They learned to do what they’re told without talking back, and simultaneously internalize that their voice does not matter or does not belong. So, these children “put up and shut up” until they don’t have to anymore. This is what compliance without a secure attachment can look like.
Guidance is different than compliance. In overly simplified terms, compliance says, “Do this because I said so,” whereas guidance says, “do this, and I will help you with it and show you how as you go.” Guidance takes an active role in meeting the relational and developmental needs of the child. For a child (or anyone, for that matter), guidance is regulating. Guidance provides an increase of safe presence and emotional attunement.
Guidance decreases responses of shutting down, spacing out, becoming defensive, arguing, and fighting. It decreases stress and increases connection. It decreases fear and distrust and increases security and trust. It decreases guardedness and hardened hearts and increases vulnerability and softened hearts. With guidance, there is space for listening, understanding, and even negotiation.
In Scripture, God – the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, the Creator of the Universe who redeems and defeated Death – desires our hearts above our outward actions, sacrifices, and works. As followers of Jesus Christ, He requires of us our hearts and not merely our obedience. When he has our hearts and our trust, our obedience naturally follows. He wants our affections, not merely our intellect and our sacrifices. He leads us – goes before us, beside us, and behind us. The LORD is involved with us in the process of carrying out His instructions – in fact, sanctification apart from the active work of the Holy Spirit within us is impossible. The God of the Bible calls us to follow Him as He provides us with His guidance.
Many parents, caregivers, bosses, coaches, teachers, and people in positions of authority desire “compliance” from those who are under their care or their charge. There is an appropriate time, place, and need for compliance. For example, when a caregiver or parent gives instruction which is related to the immediate safety of the child, such as, “get out of the street,” or “move away from the stove.” As adults, we know that a certain level of general compliance in life is integral to our level of functioning and wellbeing on both an individual and societal level – especially in regard to school-work, being on sports teams, work/vocational environments, rules of traffic, and other laws in general. For all of us, we sometimes have to do things (be compliant and follow directions) even when we don’t want to; if we don’t, there are consequences of some sort. However, separate from “compliance,” there is also a high importance and strong need for “guidance,” which is different than compliance. “Guidance” will be the point addressed in the following paragraphs.
One of my supervisors introduced me to the concept of, and the phrase of, “Guidance over Compliance.” What this means, specifically in the therapeutic context of working to form and create a secure attachment style for a child with a caregiver, is that in order to do so, certain components of attachment, such as a sense of felt-safety and felt-trust, need further installation before certain undesirable behavioral expressions and patterns – such as defiance and opposition – will decrease in a healthy way.
Many parents experience feelings of irritation, frustration, disrespect, and anger when their child does not obey or when the child talks back. The parent receives this as a willful and deliberate attack on their authority. When this happens, it can be helpful to take a step back, to pause, and to ask, “Do I want a compliant child, or do I want a securely attached child?” Most parents will say, “I want both.”
However, it is possible and not uncommon, to have a compliant child who has a desired behavioral presentation, but who has an insecure or disorganized attachment with the parent. What it means for the child to have an insecure or disorganized attachment is that the child, in his or her core sense of self, has a difficult time trusting or feeling safe with that parent. When this is the case, the child often will learn which outward responses are needed to appease their parent, and therefore avoid being yelled at or punished – which are things people in general do not enjoy. These children learn and adapt to methods and responses which will help them to get through life’s struggles with as little openness and vulnerability as possible. They learn that being open and vulnerable is correlated to being hurt (not understood or listened to), silenced, and shamed. These children might give their parent the behavior that is wanted, but the behaviors might be separate from their hearts or affections.
When these children are compliant, the compliance will look nice, but if it is absent of a secure attachment, then the relationship is in jeopardy, especially as the child approaches adolescence and adulthood. Once the parent is no longer the legal guardian or authority figure, the child might leave at the first chance he or she gets (freedom to escape), or the child might begin to rebel. At this point, the child (now a young adult) might not desire to maintain the same level of relationship as would be desired by the parents or guardians.
Parents in this situation often are confused and wondering, “what happened?” or, “where did this come from?” Commonly, it is the case that over time, the child developed the tendency to shut down, space out, and dissociate in the midst of being compliant and obedient. They learned to disconnect their heart and affections from their obedience. They learned to do what they’re told without talking back, and simultaneously internalize that their voice does not matter or does not belong. So, these children “put up and shut up” until they don’t have to anymore. This is what compliance without a secure attachment can look like.
Guidance is different than compliance. In overly simplified terms, compliance says, “Do this because I said so,” whereas guidance says, “do this, and I will help you with it and show you how as you go.” Guidance takes an active role in meeting the relational and developmental needs of the child. For a child (or anyone, for that matter), guidance is regulating. Guidance provides an increase of safe presence and emotional attunement.
Guidance decreases responses of shutting down, spacing out, becoming defensive, arguing, and fighting. It decreases stress and increases connection. It decreases fear and distrust and increases security and trust. It decreases guardedness and hardened hearts and increases vulnerability and softened hearts. With guidance, there is space for listening, understanding, and even negotiation.
In Scripture, God – the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, the Creator of the Universe who redeems and defeated Death – desires our hearts above our outward actions, sacrifices, and works. As followers of Jesus Christ, He requires of us our hearts and not merely our obedience. When he has our hearts and our trust, our obedience naturally follows. He wants our affections, not merely our intellect and our sacrifices. He leads us – goes before us, beside us, and behind us. The LORD is involved with us in the process of carrying out His instructions – in fact, sanctification apart from the active work of the Holy Spirit within us is impossible. The God of the Bible calls us to follow Him as He provides us with His guidance.
EN 
ES