Eye contact is a key part of Trust-Based Relational Intervention, or TBRI. Eye contact can feel threatening to children from hard places, however. For this reason, scaffolding eye contact, or building slowly up to sustained eye contact, is necessary.
It is true that people often ask for eye contact to ensure attention. In TBRI, however, eye contact is more than that. Eye contact is a way to build connection (Purvis, 2019). It is a means by which to attune to children and show them love and affection. It is crucial to building attachment, as it can produce the bonding hormone of oxytocin (Herron, 2021). Eye contact, in this sense, is more about connecting than correcting (Purvis). It shows children that they are loved and precious. It makes the parent approachable so that the child can come to feel safe asking for needs.
Eye contact can feel intimidating for children from hard places. In the past, adults may have demanded eye contact or used eye contact to abuse or manipulate. Eye contact may therefore seem threatening (Marion, 2024). Eye contact may seem uncomfortable because of hyperarousal or hypervigilance. Caregivers also need to consider sensory needs when scaffolding eye contact (Herron, 2021). Individuals with social anxiety may feel shame or embarrassment when making eye contact. For these, and many other reasons, caregivers need to go slow when making eye contact.
Building slowly is a key component of scaffolding. Dr. Stephen Porges suggests the possibility of using music as a way to engage socially, but without getting face to face (National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine, n.d.). After growing in comfortability with shared music, caregivers might try engaging playfully by asking to see what color the child’s eyes are (Purvis, 2021). Parents can practice raising eyebrows and softening their faces overall to make eye contact seem gentler. Caregivers can use compliments to reinforce the preciousness of children as they see their eyes, as they work to make eye contact more accessible. The key is to never demand eye contact, but rather make it safe, inviting, and reinforcing of worth.
Will all children grow to become completely comfortable with eye contact? Maybe, and maybe not. Growing tolerance and capacity for it, however, can benefit most children, especially in societies where eye contact is expected. Hopefully, at least with their caregivers, children can also come to see eye contact as a measure of their worth, and of their capacity to learn and grow. That, after all, is what scaffolding is all about.
Eye contact is an important social behavior in American culture. However, it is considered inappropriate, disrespectful, or just not done in some cultures. In individuals on the autism spectrum, eye contact can be overstimulating, creating stress and discomfort (NeuroLife, 2019). This blog post is not intended as a tool to build eye contact in children who cannot or should not due to cultural or neurodiverse factors.
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